I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
