I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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