I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
