If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
