there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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