I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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