He is such a slut. More and more my type.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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