Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
