sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
