My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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