i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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