I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My vagina just recognized that song.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
FUCK WHALES
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
