I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
