Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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