im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
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Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
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just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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