Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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