You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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