I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
