ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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