Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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