yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize