As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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