every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
