I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
