hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
