he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
