I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
