It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
