Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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