I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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