She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
