not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
