just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
