I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Randomize
