he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
