I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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