So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
