I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
