You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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