I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
