using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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