paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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