And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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