Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
