She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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