i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
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He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
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In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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