Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
