I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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