that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
