Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
