There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
