if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Randomize
