i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
