sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
