she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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