I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
