i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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