how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
