There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
